Things Marriage has Taught Me

In a few days I will celebrate my anniversary, the first of what I hope to be many. It has been a great year. I can remember the amazement I felt at the prospect of living with my best friend, all the time. I am pleased to report that we are still the very best (if not even better-best) friends. Before marriage, I would have told you that I thought we did pretty much everything together. Post-marriage, I would tell you I know we do.

Looking back over the past year (so it’s not that far back…) I have definitely learned some valuable lessons, lessons that require a marriage license and all weeks subsequent to the honeymoon.

While I do not presume to have attained sagely-wife status, I thought it might be entertaining for those of you who have to see just what I learned. I wish now I would have kept a detailed journal, as I am sure to leave out something important…

These insights are in no particular order. There is no chronological or level-of-importance scheme. Just my thoughts, such as they are.

Enjoy.

Things Marriage Has Taught Me

1. Don’t wash the towels with your 400-thread count sheets. You’ll probably never have any that nice again and they are at their nicest when they don’t have all the little fuzz-balls.

2. Chicken will not thaw in the freezer, and needs more than 4 hours to thaw in the fridge. Better set your meat out well in advance if you want to eat dinner.

3. Men are on one obsessive track at all times and nothing you say/suggest/manipulate will cause them to deviate from that track. Let them finish what they’re doing on their terms because they won’t do two things at once.

4. Peaceful cohabitation between humans and mice will never be achieved. Civil cohabitation is your only alternative, practiced as follows: If the mice don’t show themselves or their droppings in your cabinets, they may keep their lives.

5. A 39 degrees bathroom at 6 a.m. will not kill you, but it will tread dangerously close.

6. The directions might say that margarine is an acceptable substitute, but don’t buy it. It’s called “butter" cream icing for a reason.

7. Opening your third set of silverware is not the answer to having more silverware. You’ll find that washing the dirty silverware will replenish your supply quite well.

8. Paper plates make Friday night pizza taste better.

9. Produce is expensive. Better skip the veggies and save the money, I always say.

10. You will get used to sharing pretty much everything, but he will probably prefer to not have to use your cherry blossom scented shampoo or tropical fruit shaving cream. Use the money you saved not buying vegetables to get him some of his own toiletries.

11. Boys do not get as much of their hair on the bathroom floor, but they will get their whiskers into every single cranny on the bathroom sink.

12. Nobody is making you use your manners anymore, but your husband married a lady and he wants to keep her that way. Be polite.

13. There is a very real possibility that your pre-wedding enthusiasm for strenuous and regular exercise will wane considerably.

14. The best part of camping is the food!

15. Your husband likes the smell of your perfume and hairspray, but mind your aim when applying. He doesn’t want to actually wear it.

16. You will never want to go grocery shopping so better to just pick a night to do the thing and stick to it. However, some of us have found that very sweet husbands will occasionally offer to do that chore for you.

17. Some men might never learn that the best time to hug you is not while applying mascara.

18. Agatha Christie’s Hercule Poirot novels make for excellent bedtime reading.

19. You will not have this much fun with anyone else.